Greetings and Salutations

Some blog posts will be profound. Others not so much. Here’s one that falls into the “not so much” category but still worthy of posting. Why? Because it’s kind of funny. And because I am just too busy dealing with slime at the moment to be philosophical.

My daughter, the entrepreneur, just launched a new slime making business.

Seriously.

As if there isn’t already enough slime in the world.

But I digress.

I don’t know about you, but I find it physically impossible to keep up with emails – particularly when I’m having to allocate so much time attending to slime. Hey, that rhymes.

Emails just seem to multiply – like cockroaches. The second I finish reading or responding to one, not less than 15 more arrive. At this very moment, my inbox is filled with 31,989 unread messages. True story.

In hopes of catching up on emails before Y3K, I’ve decided to take a brief hiatus from slime-related duties and tackle the daunting task of sorting through my inbox. I have been entertaining myself by analyzing the greetings and salutations of many, thankfully, now-marked-read emails.  Here’s what I observed:

  • A lot of people who I’ve never met think of me as their “Dear”
  • I’ve received a ton of “Hello’s” and not one single, “Yo”
  • More people than I would have ever expected use the salutation, “Cheers” – even though in my experience, “Cheers” is typically preceded by a tequila shot, not a name. If “Cheers” is now an acceptable salutation, then I don’t see an issue with signing all of my emails, “l’chaim”.
  • Some conclude their emails with, “Thanks” – sooooo, you’re very welcome.
  • Apparently, a lot of people think that they are the “Best”. But they can’t all be the “Best”. To quote Carrie Fisher from “When Harry Met Sally”, “Everybody thinks they have good taste and a sense of humor, but they couldn’t possibly all have good taste.” It’s the exact same thing with the “Best” salutation.
  • Most of my received emails were signed “Regards” – some were kind and others were warm. Awwwww.
  • I noticed that lawyers especially love the “Kind Regards” or the “Warm Regards”
  • I also found that the nastier and more threatening the tone of the email, the warmer and kinder the regards. That really makes me giggle. It would kinda be akin to the Son of Sam having had signed his letters, “Warm Regards” or S.W.A.K. or better yet, “XOXOXOXO”
  • Speaking of which, I did receive a few XOXOs – even from some who I have never X’d but have occasionally O’d.
  • I should also note that I did not receive any emails that were signed, “Kind F%cking Regards” or even “Go F#ck Yourself”. So that’s reassuring. Unless, of course, that was the insinuation of the “Warmest Regards” salutations.

Bestest,
The Stoic

14 blog posts down – only 351 more to go.

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